Evaluation, part II

I am sitting with this new feeling kept right about where my rib cage parts above my tummy. It feels like when you take a bite of cake that's a little too sweet- it makes your throat almost tickle with the sweetness. That's the feeling I got right now, excpet a little deeper. I get the same feeling when I have a big crush on someone. Except now I believe my crush is on me-as-minister.
Wow. Affirmation really helps my own self-image and confidence about the "me-as-minister" me. I didn't realize how much it would empower me to more deeply believe that this journey I'm on is a powerful one, not only for me, but for the world as well. With that one "granted candidacy" verdict, I feel so much more committed to this journey.
One of the other things I learned about myself in preparing for this interview is that I do much better when I allow myself to just feel what I am feeling. Much of the time, that was nerves. OH MY GOD, did nerves ever strike me! The couple days prior to the interview were largely unstructured, which I thought would be good- give me time to review my various evaluations, psychological report, etc. Perhaps this was good, but when alone, I am much more vulnerable to being overwhelmed by nervousness.
One of my responses was to convince myself of why I shouldn't be nervous. Remind myself of all my experiences and knowledge and ministerial qualities. This helped sometimes, but what most calmed me, was, perhaps surprisingly for the non-Buddhists among us, to accept my nervousness. To connect with my feelings as they were in the moment. This was the most helpful thing. It's like my feelings of anxiety and fear needed some validation or recognition in order to be released.
Another moment of grace that brushed my cheek in the weeks prior to this interview/ rite of passage was a message a dear friend of mine left on my phone. I was on my way home from Cincinnati (after interviewing for a chaplain resident position at Cincinnati Children's hospital (which I GOT!!)), I listened to a new voice mail during my lay-over in Salt Lake City. My friend is fifteen and is part of the youth group at Wallingford United Methodist Church, the church I grew up in and am still a member of. She was trying to describe to another friend of hers how she could be Christian and not believe in hell. She wondered if I, too, did not believe in hell, and was hoping to talk with me about it. Who? Me?? Wh-... oh yeah... seminary, friendship, commitment.
It was then that I realized that even if the committee did not pass me, I was already a minister. I have my whole life, the knowledge I've gained from dear friends, and years at seminary to remind me of my responsibility to reciprocate the gifts I have been given. While getting approved certainly helps, every day opens to millions of opportunities to return to the world a portion of what I have received.