Being open to the movement

Some mornings I wake up and am enwrapped in sweetness. In love of life and love and God... I love it when that happens! And this morning is one of those days. When I was doing my little morning movement prayer thing, the words, "be open to the movement" came to me. I thought they were funny because they can have so many different meanings, which I like.
Right then I was thinking about what I had to do today. I was (and possibly still am) planning on going swimming after aikido, but my body feels like resting. Maybe today will be a rest day... I think sometimes I get so caught up in schedule and lists of things to do, to get done, that I don't open myself the movement of what my body wants, and what the earth, Spirit, day is saying through my body.
I also just saw the movie "Milk." Last week I went to "the city" (San Francisco) and say Milk in the Castro theatre, which is this large old-fashioned movie theatre. It was sooooooooo cool! The movie theatre we were in was actually in the movie, which was even more awesome (it takes place in the Castro). Oh my gosh, what a good movie! One of the things that struck me was how you couldn't separate Harvey Milk from the movement. I thought of this when I was wondering how Harvey kept his ego in check. I wonder this about famous people in general- so many people just loved him, and he was so critical to the successes of defeating Proposition 6 and to spreading hope for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people across the country. But Harvey probably knew that he was an much indebted to the movement has the movement was to him. It wasn't all on his shoulders- he was riding the crest of a wave that had started long before him and is continuing now. I think there is something really freeing about that- the "being significant and insignificant" all at the same time. We make our mark perhaps because of the openness and readiness of the people around us. And we are marked because of the qualities espoused by another person, but also because we are open and ready for such qualities.
Another cool thing about that movie is afterwards I really felt like my life and my body came from somewhere. I don't come from a void. History and social movements in this country have shaped how I think about myself, what I am passionate about, and what I can DO in this world. It's wonderful to feel part of history.
Last Tuesday I went to Sacramento for a hearing on Proposition 8. Senator Leno had made a resolution (#7) to the legislature saying that the legislature would state an opinion, and that being that Proposition 8 changes the constitution. While the legislature actually has little real power in how the court decides this, the difference between amend and revise (or change) is hugely significant, and is what is going to the courts this week. If Prop 8 revises the constitution, then proper process pre-election was not followed and the whole thing is invalid. If it is a simple amendment, then it stands. Ok, off to scarf down breakfast!

like the weather- feelings move through too

Last night I felt a spirit in my room. It helped that it was windy and stormy outside, and that there was something making tiny little rustling sounds somewhere underneath my bed. Monsters, perhaps...
When I woke up this morning, it was gone- that feeling. I went for a run and there was sun breaking through the clouds at times. I felt like it really was a new day- not just another day, but a new one. I felt like I had somehow returned to myself, or to someplace I loved and felt at home in.
Self-doubt and feelings of nothingness have been my companions this year and last fall. I thought I would do a ritual to get rid of them. For my birthday, perhaps. You know, strip down and jump in some cold body of water. That would do it- no more doubt and self-criticism. Strip- relinquish- gone. the end.
My Spiritual Director (kind-of like a therapist person, but more spiritually oriented) smiled as I told her about my plans for a ritual. Then she asked me what these feelings look like. I realized they had a form. A very cartoon-like form, in fact. My self-doubt and feelings of nothingness are embodied in a little long-haired furry creature who has two tiny feet and two tiny hands that barely stick out of his gray fur. With two big eyes and not much expression at all. Just a strong attitude of nothingness. Sometimes this little guy sits on my shoulder. Sometimes he gets right down and personal and gets inside my heart.
Once I realized my feelings had a creature to go with them, then they didn't seem so heavy. I could TALK to them, by golly!
It seems like the harder I tried to convince myself that I was "over" my bouts of depression and feelings of worthlessness, the quicker they turned around and stuck right to me.
I don't know whether I have achieved some sort-of "healthy" relationship with my feelings, but I am savoring feeling at home in myself right now. And it does help to not ignore my less-than-loved parts of me. Hell, I could make a comic strip out of them! Or write a valentine to them!

Evaluation, part II

I am sitting with this new feeling kept right about where my rib cage parts above my tummy. It feels like when you take a bite of cake that's a little too sweet- it makes your throat almost tickle with the sweetness. That's the feeling I got right now, excpet a little deeper. I get the same feeling when I have a big crush on someone. Except now I believe my crush is on me-as-minister.
Wow. Affirmation really helps my own self-image and confidence about the "me-as-minister" me. I didn't realize how much it would empower me to more deeply believe that this journey I'm on is a powerful one, not only for me, but for the world as well. With that one "granted candidacy" verdict, I feel so much more committed to this journey.
One of the other things I learned about myself in preparing for this interview is that I do much better when I allow myself to just feel what I am feeling. Much of the time, that was nerves. OH MY GOD, did nerves ever strike me! The couple days prior to the interview were largely unstructured, which I thought would be good- give me time to review my various evaluations, psychological report, etc. Perhaps this was good, but when alone, I am much more vulnerable to being overwhelmed by nervousness.
One of my responses was to convince myself of why I shouldn't be nervous. Remind myself of all my experiences and knowledge and ministerial qualities. This helped sometimes, but what most calmed me, was, perhaps surprisingly for the non-Buddhists among us, to accept my nervousness. To connect with my feelings as they were in the moment. This was the most helpful thing. It's like my feelings of anxiety and fear needed some validation or recognition in order to be released.
Another moment of grace that brushed my cheek in the weeks prior to this interview/ rite of passage was a message a dear friend of mine left on my phone. I was on my way home from Cincinnati (after interviewing for a chaplain resident position at Cincinnati Children's hospital (which I GOT!!)), I listened to a new voice mail during my lay-over in Salt Lake City. My friend is fifteen and is part of the youth group at Wallingford United Methodist Church, the church I grew up in and am still a member of. She was trying to describe to another friend of hers how she could be Christian and not believe in hell. She wondered if I, too, did not believe in hell, and was hoping to talk with me about it. Who? Me?? Wh-... oh yeah... seminary, friendship, commitment.
It was then that I realized that even if the committee did not pass me, I was already a minister. I have my whole life, the knowledge I've gained from dear friends, and years at seminary to remind me of my responsibility to reciprocate the gifts I have been given. While getting approved certainly helps, every day opens to millions of opportunities to return to the world a portion of what I have received.