The Child

Last weekend I went home to Seattle for a combo wedding/ camping extravaganza. I think of the bible verse, I was thirsty, and you gave me drink... and that is what this weekend was like for me. I was hungry for wonder, and the earth filled me till I was overflowing. I still am on a high from all the beauty.
Shooting stars- 7 in one night! why sleep in a tent when you have magic happening above you!
In fact, why sleep at all? I love that about stars! I think faith can be pictured as a person waiting up for the stars. Something so far away, so unknown, and yet so important. There is something about witnessing the mysterious "out there" that pulls on the deep "in here". The unknown-yet-so-core-to-our-being parts of ourselves that connect so strongly to the beauty we experience.
And then there was the sun- WARM (I won't say "hot" now that I've lived in Cincinnati for the summer- over 100 "heat emergency days," baby!) and perfect! And the gentle sea breeze to cool if you chance at being slightly over-heated.
Dancing, swimming in the Sound (and later a glorious mountain lake with snow still lingering on the edges!!!)
As I hiked up the mountain, I felt I was hiking back in years. I felt like a kid again, overtaken by wonder. Oh my GOSH!!! That FLOWER IS SOOOOO BEAUTIFUL!! (perhaps you get the idea :)
Or just letting the heat of the sun and the beauty of the mountains fill me up and make me pause and say "thank you."
sometimes my thank you is quiet, floating on the breath. And sometimes it is a loud squeel as I shout from the mountain top or jump into a cold mountain lake.
I have wanted to strip myself of my youth. There are times when I wished I was older, more experienced, more "weighty"- holding my ground, knowing my boundaries, certain about everything...
and I have turned against this excitement, this openness, this love that is my child.
To be a minister is not to kill your child, cassie. No. It is to know it and let it give you life. Openness is the seed to your growth. Take this unashamed love of life and enter your work fully as you enter and receive the beauty of the earth.

Letter to myself

Let go of your need for confidence. Put an arm around your fragile, uncertain, hurting self. And do not let go. There is no such thing as too many tears. You are more important than your job, your passions, and even your calling to ministry. What's most important is that you are able to love yourself even when you don't want to.
DO NOT TRIVIALIZE WHAT YOU ARE LIVING FOR:
Swimming
Supervision meetings with Ruth
Therapy with Leslie
Hope for home
Zele (my cat)
Reading the New York Times

Healing

little moments of perspective grace my days more often... a smile pokes fun at my heavy seriousness... gratitude for a push of the wind or driving in the car with my cousin's voice singing songs of love and struggle. healing is a returning to the self- a self that absorbs all that I have been through. not purging it out but reconciling it within, and still being able to remember was it is to laugh from the bottom of your being, to delight at the sound of music, to find peace in unexpected moments. it takes time to fully accept who i am. not there yet, but piece by broken piece i come to know, and love, myself.